Not About Me


I was in my 30’s. I was in therapy, had a guru, a personal savior, a spiritual advisor, a daily mediation practice, and participated in ritual ceremonies. I had read books, been a part of small study groups, considered life as an ascetic, and became a lay associate of a monastery.

What was I “doing”?

notaboutme2I knew I had not arrived, but I thought i was close. Little did I know how far away I was. After intellectual exhaustion I finally hit my “top”. Yes, I had gone as far as i could go. As far as anyone I had spoken to. Yet I was no closer. Something lay beyond me, I knew “it” was there. I didn’t know what “it” was. I could not find “it”. People had heard about “it” and no one had been there to report back where “it” was or what “it” looked like.

What was I “thinking”?

notaboutme3Think I was given a valuable clue from a convicted felon. She told me the best place to hide something in prison was in plain sight. Little did I know how true that would be for me. My life was a prison and it turns out that “it” was in plain sight, “it” was within me. In the past I had only pretended to be looking within. Turns out, I was looking everywhere else instead.

There remained only one question. If “it” was within me…then who am I?

notaboutme4I set out in a van to live in the mountains in search of that question. Only to find out who I was not. After sorting through and stripping away at 26 versions of who I thought I was. I found the answer. I had seen “it” watching Saturday morning cartoons 30 years earlier. In the words of Popeye “I am what I am”. Turns out the truth was “me” in the singular, its versions I had crafted were just mistruths. So I gave away my van to a homeless guy in a big city and settled in a small town.

I unintentionally created a spiritual eco-system that allowed me to Self-Discover My Inner Guru™. A struggle ensued, as I resisted creating a new version of me. Through a process of sensory input rebalancing, and integration, I was able to let go.  The ultimate form of surrender was a result of unintentional inaction.

Peace was no longer an experience I sought or dreamed about. It became a constant in my life. I developed a great respect for the illusion while not losing sight of the truth within. It is my intention to share my experience with others, to teach what little I know, and to try with what is left of my life to promote the Positive Evolution of Humanity through writing and other creative endeavors.